The Courage to be DISLIKED

 It’s been a while.

Almost four months since I last wrote anything here. Life happened in between. My wedding preparations, the month of fasting and then after Eid, my wedding. To be honest, even after a month after getting married it still feels unreal when I say it out loud. Somewhere between all of that, writing and posting took a back seat.

But today I finished reading “The Courage to be Disliked”, and it’s one of those books that doesn’t let you move on so easily. So here I am, back again, trying to put some of those thoughts into words.

Do not consider this as a book summary, instead think of it more like a conversation about few ideas that stayed with me which made me rethink everything.

1. Your past does not define your current situation

We love blaming the past for our current situation. Bad school experiences, childhood traumas, strict parents, rejections, failure etc. It gives our present struggles a neat explanation. This is called “Etiology”. The concept of cause and effect. Basically this means “What happened before, resulted in present condition”.

But the philosophy of Alfred Adler flips this.

It says, what if you’re not acting because of your past, but towards a goal right now? In other words, you are not behaving in such way because of your past but because you want to achieve some goal.

Take this as an exampe:

Somebody in your past judged you or made fun of your presentation skills or public speaking. So you think I don’t have the required skills that’s why people make fun of me. And then you avoid giving presentations or speaking publicly. You think your past is the reason why you think like this.

But a harsher, more honest take could be: “I avoid speaking to protect myself from being judged or laughed at again.” See, you’re working towards a goal. The goal: Do not get laughed at and do not get judged.

2. Your emotions are not random, they serve a purpose

Have you ever noticed how our anger shows up when things don’t go our way?? When someone cuts you off in traffic. When a friend cancels the plan last minute. When somebody ignores our suggestion.

We say “I got angry.”

But the book suggest, we “used” out anger to control the situation. To assert dominance. To make the other people feel something.

That’s a bit uncomfortable, but think about it. Anger often works, people react, things shift. Which means it’s not an emotion that happens to you, rather it’s something you ‘use’.

Suppose you come home tired. Someone at home says something small, and you snap. Later you regret it. What’s actually happening is anger is being used as a tool to help you release frustration or control the situation.

The best possible solution to this could be delayed reaction or keeping your mouth shut until the anger goes away.

3. Not everything is your responsibility

There’s a simple question that can save us a lot of mental energy: “Who’s task is this?” Let’s say somebody asks for your opinion and you speak honestly, but the other person gets offended or distant. You keep overthinking it.

Your task: Being honest

Their task: how they feel about it

We constantly try to manage other people’s reactions. That’s where stress comes from. Once you separate tasks, things get lighter.

4. All problems are interpersonal problems

If you were completely alone in this world, none of your problems would still exist. No one to judge you. No one to feel jealous about. No one to compare yourself with. No one to disappoint or look up to. A huge chunk of anxiety, insecurity, even motivation is tied to other people.

Not because people are bad, but because we care. A lot. If we don’t care about what people think, we become free.

5. You might have to disappoint people, to live properly

We like being liked. It feels safe. So we say yes even if we want to say NO. We adjust ourselves, compromise and filter ourselves, just to satisfy people who won’t even contribute a little to pay your bijli ka bil.

Over time, you start living a version of life that’s acceptable to others but not really yours.

The books makes a bold point: If you’re living honestly, some people are guaranteed to not like you.

And that’s not a problem to fix. It’s a side effect of being real.

6. Shine the light on Here and Now.

This is the one I liked the most.

Imagine that you’re standing on a theatre stage. If the house lights are on, you’ll probably be able to see all the way to the back of the hall. But if you’re under a bright spotlight, you won’t be able to make out even the front row. That’s exactly how it is with our lives. It’s because we cast a dim light on our entire lives that we are able to see the past and the future. Or, at least we imagine we can. But if one is shining a bright spotlight on here and now, one cannot see the past or the future anymore.

7. What is happiness?

Happiness is not about being praised, achieving big milestones, or staying ahead of others. It is about feeling a sense of contribution, knowing that your existence has value to someone or something. For example, imagine you help a teammate at work without expecting credit, or you support your partner in a small but meaningful way at home. Nobody may applaud you for it, but there is a quiet satisfaction that comes from knowing you were useful. On the other hand, chasing praise, like waiting for appreciation after every task or comparing your progress with others, creates a fragile kind of happiness that disappears quickly. The book suggests that real, stable happiness comes when you stop asking “How am I doing compared to others?” and start asking “Am I being of use in my own way?” That shift, from seeking validation to contributing, is where genuine happiness begins.

All in all, these were some concepts I wanted to share with you all. 

Just know that you are in more control than you think. Not of everything, but of your actions, responses and direction. You can stop blaming the past, carrying others’ reactions, living just to be liked. But it takes a bit of courage. Because when you start living honestly, not everyone will agree with you. And maybe that’s okay.